What She Needed
by em38
Summary: "But somehow it's not enough. HE isn't enough. And that's the worst part. Because if she's been dating someone who is pretty much perfect and that isn't enough, then she knows exactly what it is she needs…who exactly it is she needs." Just a quick oneshot about Lily before Jily and what (or who) it took to get there.


_**A/N: I KNOW I'm the worst and never update but these days with a full-time job, I only feel like writing when I'm inspired. This quick oneshot was inspired by recent events lol. Thanks for reading and if you're feeling extra supportive, please leave a review :D**_

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**What She Needed**

Lily's been dreading this moment since she woke up in the morning…realistically since last week when she finally admitted her doubts to herself. Because in all honesty he's done nothing wrong. Nothing but be sweet, and caring, and loyal, and supportive, and everything she could possibly want in a partner. But somehow it's not enough. HE isn't enough. And that's the worst part. Because if she's been dating someone who is pretty much perfect and that isn't enough, then she knows exactly what it is she needs…who exactly it is she needs.

So when he greets her with a quick kiss, and reaches for her hand, it's with an extra twinge of guilt that she goes along with it and lets him pull them over to an emptier corner of the Hufflepuff table to enjoy their breakfast together.

They chat amicably, catching up on their plans for the day over toast and coffee, and everything feels so goddamn NORMAL that finally she can't deny it any longer…can't prolong her feeling of guilt, or his misery, or the knowledge that she needs something MORE than just this feeling of comfortable normal. So she pulls her hands away, and gives herself a little more space.

"Amos, I've been thinking about something for a while and I wanted to get it off my chest."

Amos, sweet man that he is, just leans forward to hold her hand and listen.

"Listen, I really was excited about this when we started dating. You're everything I've always looked for. You're handsome, you're intelligent, you're witty, and you're also caring. You're the best communicator I know and you've always made me feel special. But I don't know, two months in and I don't feel the kind of connection, the spark that I'm looking for."

Involuntarily, her eyes flick to where James Potter is sitting casually laughing with his friends over his breakfast. If Amos notices, he doesn't call her out on it.

Taking a deep breath, Lily ploughs on. "I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not ready to settle for something that feels less than, and I don't want you to be dating someone who is always wondering if there's something more. And I feel like two months in, I should know if it's going to turn into something more… So I guess what I'm saying is I think I'm ready to call it quits."

She gets it all out as quickly as she can and then leans back a bit, not wanting to see Amos' reaction if she's caused him pain.

He hasn't said anything yet, so she chances a glance at him and asks, "Are you okay?"

Amos gives her a half smile, and exhales a quick breath. "Well I can't pretend I'm not disappointed. But I get it. I always felt like we had so much going for us on parchment, and that we got along really well, but I was never sure if your heart was in it."

Lily agrees with him. "I think for me it felt like a really comfortable friends with benefits but I never emotionally felt the connection I'm looking for, but I wanted to keep trying because I really liked spending time with you."

She pauses there, and suddenly there's a silence that is filled by the babble of the other students eating around them. They're looking at each other, not sure what to do from here.

He sighs, and then runs his hands through his hair. "So where do we go from here? I've loved the time I spent with you, Lily, and it would be a shame to not be friends after all of this."

"Honestly, I didn't think too far beyond the breakup, because I was so worried about how you'd take it, and about hurting you. But I think it would be nice to stay friends, and maybe just hang out when we have other people around us? Because if we keep hanging out one on one, it kind of just feels like a date. Like maybe we can do that in the future, but for now I think the group thing makes sense."

He nods his head. "I agree, I think that sounds super reasonable."

They smile at each other. It's a little awkward but the sentiment feels genuine nonetheless. Lily steps forward to give Amos a quick hug, and then gathers her books, throws in an "I'll see you around Amos," and heads back to the Gryffindor table to meet her friends.

She chances a glance back and he's already turned away, but she sees him pause, sigh, and start packing up his bag. There's that twinge of guilt again but with it comes a rising sense of excitement that she's free, and that she's ready to keep looking for that someone who sets her soul on fire (though she's already got an inkling about who it might be).

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Months later when she's figured her way around her feelings, and is all tied up in 'ands' with Him…Lily Evans & James Potter, Head Girl & Head Boy, Stag & Doe…she knows she owes part of it to Amos. Amos who taught her how to communicate and not bottle things up inside herself, Amos who showed her what it means to be committed, Amos who taught her to channel her frustration, her anger, in more productive ways, Amos who knew when to let her go and congratulated her with a smile when she started dating James.

She looks at James with stars in her eyes, and knows that the shiver that travels up her spine when he touches her is everything she was looking for and more. She looks at Amos and she's thankful that he was everything she needed him to be and that he was able to let her go. Because here, in James' arms, when she's feeling the stirrings of what she thinks is love, she knows she's exactly where she's meant to be.

_**A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Would love it if you'd leave me a review to let me know what you thought! **_


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